to the pre- &teens

you know all that, “don’t leave me” bull you always hear from people?

i’ve heard it too much, and got through it too often already. okay. scratch that. perhaps not too much and not too often, but the ones i heard surely meant a lot to me at that point of time.

the first that i’d heard it was from one boy i had my whole heart given out to him, back when i was in my pre-teens. not exactly pre-teens, but back when i was about to sit for my penilaian menengah rendah.

the exact words that he’d spat out to me were,

tolong jangan tinggalkan i

oh wow oh wow was i dumb enough to have gone all, “aww of course i wouldn’t! who would leave a little cute lost puppy like you?” inside when i’d heard such a sweet sugar-sprinkled sentence, and boy was that such a wrong reaction to give.

at the end of the day, the boy left, simply with an excuse that went something along the lines of, “kita kena break, sorry”.

that was it. that was about it. with no explanations, a cliffhanger. like watching the movie ‘bokeh’. have you watched ‘bokeh’ before? ag and i’d just watched the movie last night and it was a terrible cliff-hanger. if i knew it had such a terrible cliffhanging ending, i wouldn’t have watched it all through the end with such intensity. i would’ve just layed there, admire the beauty of iceland, giggle at the spots we’ve been to as we watch it being filmed and on screen, but i wouldn’t have followed through the whole story and immersed myself in the lives of the two protagonists.

i stayed wide awake after the movie ended, wondering to myself, how could the directors have left the movie hanging just like that?

like how that teen-relationship was left, a cliffhanger, after i’d held on to his, “tolong jangan tinggalkan i“. just like that.

my second encounter was while i was placed in a scenic atmosphere, on top of troika’s parking lot. there we were, standing on our seats and our torsos of the sunroof, admiring kuala lumpur as the maxis tower displayed the time. it was 10:56pm, i even remembered it, as clear as a freshly-wiped mirror.

this was during university, and in all honestly, that was the worst phase of my life.

awak,” he said and i looked over my shoulder to see him smile.

jangan tinggalkan kita eh?

eh hello. how could i have been dumb enough to actually remember how the previous dude looked like, replaying the same teenage scene i’d hid in a trunk deep down in one corner of my brain, but still, having the same reaction.

“aww of course i wouldn’t! who would leave a little cute lost puppy like you?”

yes. still, the same dumb reaction inside, still, believed it.

this time though, i was smart enough to understand where the relationship was going, and i was quick enough to pull out before i fell into the same deep abyss that i’d managed to crawl out from, years ago- or maybe i would’ve fallen into a different one, deeper, darker, no ropes nor other escape routes, just my bare hands and faith in God.

in fact, throughout the whole relationship i was practically climbing down that same abyss. it was just a matter of jumping off and falling flat (or even falling down forever) on the ground, or climbing back up.

as i struggled halfway back up the abyss, it was then that God decided to send a person to throw a rope and a ladder down for me, have helicopters come down to my level, and even still reaching his hand out for me to climb back up with.

bottomline is. don’t believe in such a sentence.

i wouldn’t say that i believe it either, now that i’m solemnized. everybody leaves, whether we like it or not, and whether out of their will or out of God’s.

so this post basically goes out to all the pre-teens and teens out there who are struggling with their emotions, with relationships and with trust.

you could believe, but never hold on, to anyone’s words. hold on to no one’s but Allah’s, because He is truly the almighty, and nothing happens without his will.

keep your faith strong, and you’ll get through it.

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